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Self Love, Self Deprecating, PPD...

This is the second time I'm trying to type because my tab closed and it didn't save anything.

anyways, I'm usually not one to be vulnerable on the internet, well actually let me correct myself because that use to be me. But before I begin, Hi? Is anyone out there? IS anyone listening? I don't know if this will reach many people because social media is hard. This is my first blog post, I have a lot to say because my life has changed drastically in the last 5 years so I figured maybe someone could relate to something I have to say and maybe I could, idk.. help someone out. I'm not great at spelling nor punctuation so I apologize in advance for any errors you're going to come upon. At this point I'm just rambling. I don't care.

I chose this photo as my cover photo for the blog post because it has a meaning behind it.

yesterday, was not a great day for myself or husband. We own and manage another business that takes up our weekends and it can be pretty stressful. After having an extremely stressful morning we decided to go to my MIL's lake up in Vernon and just relax. To our surprise it was Empty and just what we needed. My husband is a huge supporter of anything I do or tell him and he asked if we could take some shots of me wearing the bikini we sell in the store. This was the first time in 5 years I had a bikini on. My pale skin, Stretched marks, lose belly button skin stomach hasn't seen day light in long time. But I agreed. We started taking pictures and I could already sense I was going to hate them. I started tearing myself in my head before I could even see the photos. As those thoughts we're entering my head I glanced over at my beautiful daughters and thought to myself "WTF am I doing?" My husband showed me the photos and I was right,I started hating everyone-Scrolling at and picking every fucking thing apart that I could. In my head I see a completely different version of myself so really, I was rooting for myself in the long run but once I was handed the phone it all changed. The photo I picked was the only one I liked because it made me feel like I had some what of curves and you couldn't see my stomach.

I've had a history of having eating disorders, I dropped down to 99 fucking lbs in an extremely toxic relationship once.

anyways, are you still hear? kudos to you if you're still reading this. I'm almost done.

I had my daughters back to back. they are 13 months apart, My body didn't have time to heal from the 80 lb weight Gain from the first nor the 70 lb from the second. For months I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I didn't have any friends to talk about what I was going through. I had no one. I was really alone for awhile. It fucking sucked. If you have a friend that you can talk to through PPD I can't say how jealous I am because it's a lonely road. I really wanted a friend during my pregnancies. I wanted someone that was going to love my kids just as much as I did. It didn't happen. Friendships were lost during my first 2 years of being a mom. It still bothers me but I've learned to live without.

PPD really messed with me. I don't have a great relationship with my mom so going to her for advice went out the window. My husband, Rob that you'll see me mention has talked me through things but sometimes a girl just needs a lady friend to talk shit with lol. ya feel me???

My self love journey started when I started my first business Parked Prosecco. This is for another blog post but just to dabble about it real quick it helped me get back to sorry if this is cringe but "bad bitch" status In my book. I created a brand that people actually liked? say what? It definitely helped me- So you're probably thinking but wait you didn't have kids when you started that?! True. I didn't - I was coming from almost rock bottom. again, this is for another blog post.

If you made it this far, I applaud you. If you're ever feeling lonely or need to chat my DM's are always open. Motherhood is the most insane thing I've ever been through but we can get through it together.


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